This post is a lot more metaphorical than normal. I have found myself dwelling on what it means to help people flourish as a result of our church’s men’s ministry and I found myself going back to a time in my life where I was depressed, suicidal and only focused on my self. I was dying on the inside. Selfishness was my default mode but it was killing me. It was only when someone made a selfless sacrifice that I started to see what selflessness can do in a person’s life that eventually pointed me to the ultimate self-sacrifice throughout all of history. This is my attempt at going back to those days and expressing that time with as much description as I can. If you’re uncertain about the metaphors below, let me now. I enjoy writing in this way, but it may make for hard reading. I’d like some feedback to see if this is an encouragement or hindrance.
Have you ever been to where despair seems to swallow up all the hope? Sorrow as dark as a wooden box inside of a six foot grave on a starless night in the middle of nowhere? I have. The weight of a gorilla sits on your chest, leaving no room for you to breath in hope and you’d do anything to be done with it. It’s a dark place to be, knocking on what you take to be a door to an abandoned property, crying out for help as the darkness seeks to engulf what little light is left. Loneliness is the only tenant at home and it invites you in to stay a while. Hopelessness accompanies loneliness, both rather grim hosts to such a somber party. Writing of this place is something I usually avoid. I would block off any entrance into such a place with barbed wire, warning signs, and as many doorless walls as I could erect. I want no one to go in there. It’s a dreadful place to be. But a warning sign is more effective when accompanied with a clear picture of the danger ahead.
The way I managed to enter into such a place was by jumping down a rabbit hole of self-focus and consumption. It was a dark hole that initially seemed bright and cheery. The walls were lined with things that made me happy and filled me with momentary, fleeting bliss only to promise more the further on I would go. But the further down that rabbit hole I went, I was left without a single measure of light. I ended up lost and alone. And I have no one to blame, for I was the one who made the leap into a hole filled with dirt and rubbish. I thought it would make me happy until I realized how very unhappy I really was. It was only when someone offered me a light that would help me find my way out that I began to be able to breath again. That gorilla no longer sat on my chest. I could breath in hope. So, I accepted this gift of light and scrambled out of that hole as quickly as I could, only to keep falling back into it over and over again. Such is the way of self-focused consumption. It constantly seeks to pull you back in with new sights and treasures. Even now it seems I always seem to have one foot in that hole, if not all but the hand being held onto by the light. I seem intent on letting my self slip back to that dreadful night, but the light keeps me from being consumed.
But the light that helped me to get out of that hole and that I continue to cling to is one that never fades. One that holds it’s brightness just as strong today as it did when it was first handed off to believers of old. It’s a light that allows the seeds of self-denial to grow into plants that eventually die to give up their seed so that it’s own seeds can be planted elsewhere. Such self-denial, selflessness, such self-sacrifice allows for flourishing rather than leading to a cold dark grave. I was buried alive by my own selfishness and then was hauled out and invited into the world where I was called to live in such a way where death-to-self was a way of life. And it’s a place of difficult growth and rocky soil, but seeds grow and life flourishes. And to be honest with you, somedays crawling through the dirt of life, it’s hard to tell whether I’m in the hole of selfishness somedays or if I’m actually holding onto the light of the good news of Jesus Christ; good news of someone who was willing to die to self, in the most horrible of ways, so that others might have eternal life. I long to die in such a way that life might flourish. That my life would not just end up being another corpse on top of the masses that died in the hole of self-centeredness.
I write now to see if anyone is tired of being in that hole of self-centered loneliness and hopelessness. If so, I have a light I can give you to find your way out. You simply have to believe and submit to the man (and God!) who loved others so much that he died for them to see the light. Jesus died so that the way out of that hole simply requires dying to self and living for him. He is the perfect example of selflessness. This is the way out, the way into the land of the living. Trust and obey Jesus as he continues to show you how to love others.
If you already have that light, I’d urge you to keep looking for those in the hole so that you can offer to share your light with them. The heavy gorilla likely is still on their chest, so you may have to keep calling for a while before they can respond to your call. Keep trying. They hear you even if they don’t respond. Some may need you to sit with them a while before they are ready to hear you. Shouting doesn’t really help a whole lot when their ears are plugged up with dirt. So, just keep sitting with them in the light you provide. Not everyone will respond to the light. They like the darkness and dirt too much. So you may have to keep looking for the ones who will flourish in the light elsewhere. It’s ok to shed tears when that happens. I have many times.
Jesus says he is the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6). If you want to know the way out, it’s through him. It’s the truth. He offers eternal life. Simply believe in him. Once you accept his gift of eternal life, the lure of selflessness dims along with the sorrow of the hole of selfishness. And the brightness and joy of the light of selflessness becomes a place of joy. It’s worth it, even if it’s not always easy; I promise. Bask in the light. Flourish. And rejoice as you see others coming to the light.
Check out my blog on Hanlon’s Razor in Relationships and the Benefit of the Doubt to see how you might be able to shine that light a little more brightly into people’s lives.
If you or someone you know is suicidal, make sure to get help from a pastor, biblical counselor, or use the resources provided to us as citizens of Indiana as soon as possible. You can find resources for this here: https://www.in.gov/issp/ and if you are in the Greater Lafayette area you can find help here: https://www.faithlafayette.org/counseling.
A note on selflessness:
Also, please note that I know that self-centeredness isn’t the only reason why people wrestle with depression/suicidal ideation. However, one of the key components to my story is my struggle with self-centeredness. It was only when I started stirving towards selflessness that I started to find true love and joy in my life. I’m still trying to figure out how to live that out fully because I fail regularly. But my hope is that others will begin to see how life flourishes under selflessness.
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